Heart of the Matter

My transition to working mom has not been/ is not graceful. I loved being a stay at home mom for five years; it was a season of peace, purpose and fulfillment. It wasn’t easy or without its challenges, but it was the trench I wanted to be in. When we moved back to California last year it became a necessity for me to go back to work. I’m beyond grateful to have a job thirty hours a week that is interesting, creative and flexible with my role as mom. The issue isn’t going back to work, my job, the kids, or Mark— the problem is me.  I’ve been trying to cram thirty hours of stay at home mom life into our new world and schedule.

Special occasions are when things usually get messy. Take one look at our life here at Casa Watson and you can see how much I love holidays, celebrating and busting out my magic crafty box. I’ve always been fond of Valentine’s Day. The forced romance part is fine (it kicks our bums into finding a babysitter) but I have always loved the chance to spread a little love all around. I believe in handmade cards with doilies and glitter, I believe in heart shaped sugar cookie surprises, I believe in special breakfasts, I believe in “Galantine’s Day.”

Then the last couple of weeks happened. Business trip to Chicago, followed by houseguests, followed by high fever Clara for three days (and three long nights), followed by Valentine shenanigans at both the preschool and kindergarten and oh yeah, a renewal of vows ceremony at church. Cupid didn’t aim for my heart; he went straight for the knees and knocked me face first into my chocolate chip scones and conversation heart fantasies.

MY fantasies. MY expectations. It was God shining a glaring light (which wasn’t appreciated, since my no sleep nights had left me with such dark under-eye circles) on the who/what/why/where of it all. There was no way for me to make all the magic happen, it forced me to assess what was imperative and prioritize from there. What mattered most to the kids? What mattered most to me? (And thankfully, I live with a man who is happiest when I’m happy).

Handmade valentines were for immediate family members only. The kids were thrilled to give their friends Ninjago and Scooby Doo drugstore specials. We cut the renewal of vows evening short, attending just the service and not the party afterward. Our family breakfast celebration was pushed from Thursday to Saturday. I made it to Ben’s kindergarten party and but didn’t get to Clara’s. The father/daughter dance was skipped and replaced with a family movie night snuggled down with Lady and the Tramp. We had a great date night but didn’t stay out late.

We couldn’t do it all, but that didn’t mean all was lost. I kept what made me happy, what made memories that mattered and tried to let go of the rest, let go of the unrealistic pressure to have everything stay the way it used to be.

On Saturday, post cute breakfast (and a lighting round of housecleaning), we headed down to the beach to soak in the sunshine. The kids worked for hours building a sandcastle in the tide, laughing every time it was washed away and racing to build it up again. Mark and I lounged under the umbrella, letting the peace and rest of the waves lull us as the kids played. On our walk home I spotted this perfect heart-shaped rock just sitting in the sand. Tucking this treasure in my pocket, still warm with sun, I held tight to this physical, literal, how clear do you need it, Leah? reminder to always get to the heart of the matter.

My answer is always the same: love, grace, family and a little bit of glitter.